Da Little
Tings

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Ping!
(A Bit of Banter)

By Barb McDonald

Thursday morning – in the Torino

“Come on, Starsk. You just might enjoy yourself.”

“Enjoy myself?”

“Yeah. Out in the fresh air with the wind in your face.”

“Wind in my face?”

“Starsky. Think of it as a day of relaxation.”

“Relaxation? You tell me how chasing a little ball over hell’s half acre trying to put it into a little hole eighteen times, no less, is relaxing.”

“You’ll just have to trust me.”

“Trust you?”

“Will you stop repeating me. It’s annoying.”

“Annoying? I’ll tell you what’s annoying, Hutch.”

“Okay.”

“What’s annoying is golf. That’s what’s annoying.”

“You haven’t even tried it yet.”

“I don’t want to try it. Besides I’m left handed.”

“What the hell has being left handed got to do with playing golf?”

“Well, I don’t have any sticks.”

“Sticks?”

“Whatchama call… clubs.”

“We can rent clubs, Starsk.”

“How much is that going to set me back?”

“I’ll pay. I just need a golf partner this weekend and thought you might want to join me that’s all. Have a little fun. Couple of beers. Sunshine.”

“Sunshine! I’ll get burnt to a crisp out there in the middle of no where.”

“It’s a Golf Club Starsk, not the Australian Outback.”

“Well. Out in the middle of a field then.”

“You could wear a hat.”

“I don’t wear hats.”

“Okay. Okay fine. I’ll ask someone else to play with me.”

“Like who? Face it Hutch, I’m the only person you know.”

“That’s not true! I know a lot of people.”

“Name one.”

“Well. How about Dobey?”

“DOBEY!”

“What’s the matter with Dobey? He plays golf.”

“You’re going to spend the whole day with Dobey? Oh yeah, that sounds relaxing.”

“It’s just a friendly game of golf, Starsky.”

“Okay, I’ll spare you the pain. I’ll play.”

“You will.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t do me any favours. Now I’m not sure I want to play with you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ll probably whine the whole way round.”

“I don’t whine.”

“Yes you do Starsky. You whine.”

“Oh please. If I do whine it’s because you’ve done something to make me whine and you need whining at.”

“Whatever.”

“So. What’s the plan?”

“Plan?”

“When and where?”

“Tee off is at ten.”

“In the morning?”

“Yes Starsky, in the morning. It’s hard to see the greens at night.”

“So what time do I have to get up?”

“Well, it’ll take us about two hours or so to get there… so I’d pick you up at around seven, seven-thirty at the latest.”

“Seven in the morning?”

“I think we’ve already established that.”

“But I like to sleep in on the weekends.”

“I told you I could get someone else to go. You don’t HAVE to play.”

“No no. I’ll play.”

“Alright then. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“And where is this place?”

“Name of the coarse is Hidden Lake near Bakersfield.”

“Bakersfield? There’s no lakes up there?”

“The lake is hidden, Starsky.”

“Very funny. It’ll take us a lot longer then two hours to get to Bakersfield.”

“I said it’s near Bakersfield.”

“Oh.”

“So tomorrow we’ll find you a set of left handed clubs … and a hat.”

“Clubs yes. Hat no.”

“Suit yourself, Starsk. But it’s going to get hot out there and a round of golf can take four or five hours.”

“I’ll bring water.”

“Okay.”

“Hey Hutch?”

“Yeah.”

“You really wouldn’t consider playing with anyone else but me, wouldja?”

“Of course not. You’re the only person I know.”

 

Saturday morning 7:22 a.m. – Starsky’s apartment

“You up?”

“–“

“Hey Starsk? You ready to go?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m here.”

“You ready?”

“I think so. Just let me grab some coffee will you, I just got out of bed.”

“We better hit the road we’re running a little late.”

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’.”

“You’re not wearing that are you?”

“Whatsa matter with what I’m wearing?”

“You look like a road sign. Whose car?”

“Mine. Definitely mine. I’m not spending two hours in that rust bucket you drive.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s just go. Where’s your stuff? I’ll load up while you’re doing… whatever it is you’re doing.”

“It’s already in my car, dummy. You load up your stuff.”

“Oh yeah. Right. Meet you down there.”

 

Saturday morning 7:34 a.m. – In the Torino

“Got the directions?”

“Yup. Got’em right here.”

“We got everything then?”

“YES. Can we go?”

“Okay, okay. We’ll get there.”

“It’s gonna be a great day, Starsk. Look at that beautiful blue sky. ”

“Yeah. Nice.”

“What a gorgeous day.”

“Yep.”

“You know Starsk? If you started your day off with something a little more nutritious than reheated coffee and a Twinkie, you might find the mornings easier for you.”

“Easier?”

“Well, ole buddy, you aren’t exactly a morning person. I’ve already run a mile, done a load of laundry and eaten a full healthy breakfast.”

“Good for you.”

“Well, I’m just saying that if you adopted the same sort of regiment you’d find the morning to be the best part of the day.”

“I already think morning is the best part of the day.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Because I’m asleep. Dat’s one of my favourite past times.”

“Oh come on, Starsky. Open your eyes and see the world in all its glory will you.”

“Don’t start on me with that health stuff. It’s not my style, Hutch. I’m not interested and never will be.”

“Okay. Fine.”

“Don’t get huffy.”

“Huffy? I’m not getting huffy.”

“Yes you are. You think that because all that stuff works for you and you like it I have to like it too. It’s just too much work, man. I’m in just as good a shape as you. Maybe betta and I don’t have to eat butterfly bones and banana chips and vitamin who’s its like you do.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“You think you’re in better shape than me?”

“Yes.”

“And what exactly makes you think that?”

“I always get there first.”

“WHAT?”

“Whenever we’re running someone down. I always get there first.”

“You do not.”

“Yes I do. Name one time when you beat me to a perp. Just one time.”

“Starsky, I have beaten you too many times to count.”

“Okay. Name one.”

“What about the time I ran all over the city from phone-to-phone on that kidnapping case?”

“What about it?”

“You trying to tell me you could have made all those phone calls in the time allowed?”

“Yes.”

“Bullshit. Why didn’t you then?”

“You won the toss.”

“Okay then what about the time…”

“Hutch… give it up. In a one-on-one foot race between the two of us, you’d be eatin’ my dust and you know it.”

“Well, we’ll just have to have a race one of these days then, won’t we?”

“Sure. When?”

“One of these days.”

“When?”

“Today! After we’ve finished our round of golf.”

“Okay then.”

“Alright.”

“God. How can there be this much traffic on a Saturday morning?”

“Everyone’s goin’ golfing. By the way – what’s behind this golf thing? Since when do YOU play golf?”

“Starsky, I’ve played golf my whole life.”

“Oh yeah, then why don’t I know about it.”

“You don’t know everything about me.”

“Yes I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“Alright then Hutch, my man. Why don’t you test me.”

“Okay I will.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“Let me think here… hmmm… what’s my mother’s first name?”

“Sarah.”

“And her maiden name?”

“Bennett.”

“And my father?”

“William.”

“Well. Those were easy questions.”

“Come on then. Give me a hard one.”

“Okay. What was my first job?”

“You worked on your uncle’s farm in the summer when you were a kid.”

“What’s my shoe size?”

“12 1/2.”

“Where’d I get my first guitar?”

“Sister gave it to you on your 16th birthday.”

“How old was I when I lost my virginity?”

“17.”

“What’s my favouite book?”

“In Cold Blood.”

“What’s my favourite movie?”

“In Cold Blood.”

“What’s my favourite ice cream?”

“You don’t eat ice cream.”

“Shit!”

“HA! See. I know you. Inside and out. Up and down. I know you better then you know yourself, ole buddy.”

“Well, I know you too Starsky.”

“Not as well as I know you.”

“Okay then quiz me.”

“Okay.”

“What camp did I go to when I was a kid?”

“How the hell should I know!”

 

Saturday 9:12 a.m. – just outside Bakersfield

“So what is this tournament? Why are we here?”

“Chris had two free passes for today but he couldn’t go. His wife went into premature labour and as he was running out the door he tossed these tickets at me.”

“Chris Remy?”

“Yeah.”

“What’d they have?”

“Boy.”

“Oh… that’s nice.”

“Turn in here. Wow. Look at that, Starsk. Isn’t that beautiful?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure is.”

“Know what, Hutch?”

“What?”

“I’m getting’ a little nervous about this.”

“Why?”

“You’re gonna show me what to do right? I’ve never been on a golf coarse in my life.”

“Starsky?”

“Yeah.”

“I have a confession to make.”

“Oh no. What?”

“Neither have I.”

“WHAT!”

“I’m a golf virgin.”

“What about all your equipment?”

“It’s Stemkowki’s.”

“Stemkowski? From vice? I thought you hated that guy?”

“I do. But he had clubs.”

“Oh geez.”

“Don’t worry, Starsk. How hard can it be?”

“I’m gonna kill you.”

 

Saturday 10:13 a.m. – The first tee

“Now what?”

“Just get up there Starsk and take a swing.”

“ME! Why do I gotta go first?”

“Okay. I’ll go. Where’s the green?”

“Says here on the score card it’s way over there.”

“Where?”

“Right there. See the white flag. Dats the green.”

“Oh. Okay. Here we go.”

“Hey. That’s not bad, Hutch. Not bad at all.”

“Thank you… where’d it go?”

“I see it.”

“Where?”

“It’s still sittin' on the tee, dummy.”

“Oh.”

“I think you’re supposed to keep your eye on the ball. Dats what I always here those guys say. Keep you eye on the ball.”

“I thought I did.”

“Well, it’s still sitting there, so I guess you didn’t.”

“Okay. Let’s try this again.”

“FORE!”

“Starsky! I’m the one who’s supposed to yell fore.”

“Sorry.”

“Did you see where it went.”

"Yes.”

“Where?”

“I think it bounced off that tree. We’ll find it. How many holes on a golf course anyway?”

“Eighteen.”

“Oh man. It’s gonna to be a long day.”

“Ready to go home then?”

“Yep.”

“Race you!”

 

THE END

 

 

Da Little
Tings

Ouch!
That Hurts!

Friends, Enemies,
Lovers & Informants

Food!
Glorious Food

Clothes
Horses

What's In
A Name

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